Let’s face it, my friends. The Federal Government in its present form is irretrievably broken. No tinkering, no new President, no new laws will fix the Federal Government of the United States of America. If the USA wants to avoid mass state secessions, a radical change must be embraced.
We need to go in a new direction. Actually, to be more accurate, in an old direction.
Think about it. A king is one guy. He only has about 18 hours each day to do kingly stuff. So, he can’t meddle in very much simply because he doesn’t have the time. Everyone in America would be a lot freer with a King on the throne.
So, I nominate myself, Russell D. Longcore, as the new King of the United States of America.
I don’t want to be King forever. I’ll take the job on a one year basis. I want complete, unchallengeable, absolute power for one year. Then, at the end of that year, the states can have an election to see if I get my job for another year. And on it will go until I don’t want to be King any more, or get voted out of office, or get assassinated by an unemployed lobbyist.
You don’t even have to call me “your Majesty” or anything like that. “Mr. Longcore” or “King Russell” will do nicely.
As the first Candidate for US King, here is what I pledge to do in my year. I have written this list in no particular order of importance, only as the ideas came into my mind:
• Set the salary of the King at $100 million per year. That’s still less than some corporate executives make.
• End the personal income tax: On my first day as King, income taxes are gone.
• Dissolve Congress: Who needs Congress when I’m King? Rex Lex and all that.
• Tell all the States that they are on their own for operations, including the coining of money and taking care of the roads.
• Dissolve All Cabinet-Level Departments except State, Treasury, Defense & Interior: Then, I’ll shrink those remaining Departments to about one-tenth their size, maybe less. I promise they won’t have much to do.
• Dissolve the Army: I’ll close the Pentagon and sell the building or raze it. We’ll go back to using state militias just in case Canada invades us. I’ll close West Point, too.
• Shrink the Air Force, Navy and Marine Corps to about 50,000 members each: If we’re only protecting our own borders, we don’t need all that hardware and manpower.
• Mothball 50% of all military ships and aircraft just for a start.
• Order the dismantling of 90% of our nuclear missile inventory.
• Close 75% of domestic military bases and give the properties back to each state.
• Close all foreign military bases, apologize to each nation, give back the property to the various nations, bring all troops home.
• NASA is gone. If you want to go into space, pay for it yourself.
• Lift all bans on domestic oil exploration.
• Lift all bans on nuclear power plant construction.
• Shrink Supreme Court to three Justices who serve at my pleasure. Who needs nine old duffers arguing amongst themselves? Besides, they have no power to enforce any judicial decision. The power is all mine.
• Give back all Federal property to the states. Let them decide what to do with it.
• Cancel all treaties with other nations. Negotiate new treaties if I think we need them…and if I have time. A King’s gotta sleep, you know.
• Dissolve the Federal Reserve.
• Cancel all Federal gun laws and regulations. Once again, it’s up to the states.
• Get rid of all intelligence agencies except CIA. Rename it the King’s Intelligence Agency. Then figure out what kinds of “intel” we really need if we’re minding our own business. The KIA may become just me and about six other guys, plus a couple secretaries in case we need to write something down or need coffee and a bagel.
• Place Federal money on the gold and silver standard. Only issue gold and silver coins and paper money equal to our national precious metal holdings. Allow the price of gold and silver to be determined by the free market. No Federal price control.
• No subsidies for anything. No price supports for anything.
• Cancel all Federal debt. The Federal Government is bankrupt. If debtors want to get paid, tell them to take it up with the guys I just fired. We pay our bills out of income, not borrowing from the world.
• We will trade with everybody around the world who wants to trade with us, and stop meddling in their affairs.
• By the way, Federal income will come from tariffs and a 10% national sales tax. If God can get by on 10% so can the King.
• Dissolve the FDIC. If you put your money in a bank, you assume all the risk for what happens to it. Don’t pick bad banks. End of discussion.
• Dissolve the DEA. End the “War on Drugs.” Make all recreational drugs legal.
• Give Hawaii back to Hawaiians if they want it.
• Enforce our border with Mexico with shoot-to-kill-on-sight orders.
• Completely stop immigration for one year while we figure out how to do it.
• End all Federal holidays. If you want a holiday, take one on your own.
• Anything else that comes up, I’ll figure it out later.
OK, Americans. Here I am, ready to be your benevolent Monarch. Just tell me what day you want me to move in at the White House.
I’m going to need a throne, though. Are there any really big chairs in the White House? If not, I have leather chair with an ottoman here at home that I can bring with me. A throne could be really expensive.
Is Paula Deen available to be the White House chef? I’m just sayin’…